Chapter 1: Living like the rich and famous on a shoestring budget.

So, where I last left off was me waking up Ashley by crying "llama!" That night we met up with a fellow couchsurfer at a little outside bar next to some live music. The only problem is, there was a ghost haunting the corner chair, and we were both negatively effected by it. The hippie from the beach made jewelry in exchange for shots of cachaca, and we went home slightly dazed due to our encounter with the spirit world. llama, brahma, obama, yo mama. We woke up the next day and headed out to find a bank (where monkeys tried to poop on our heads) and visit our new couchsurfing friend's "secret spot", which is a view of a lighthouse, very picturesque. We headed back to Aline's at about noonish. She apparently had set her alarm for 6am to get up and start drinking brahma (she was finally done with school!!) and she neglected to wake us up to join in. hahahaha.... Pinche Aline... so we headed up to our rooftop party. A serious 360 degree view of Vitoria, the ocean, and Vila Velha. So awesome. I made Ashley eat a chicken heart on a stick without her knowledge, which I must say was quite hilarious.

ashley: that was NOT funny at all actually.

We once again took advantage of the open bar, and before we knew it, this Brasilian that I swear must have been on Tool Academy-Brasil, threw us in the pool fully clothed and even shoed. So, I just swam around in the pool for a while with my Sunday`s best on. Things got crazier and crazier, as they will at a rooftop pool party, and we start to yell hilarious things into the bull horn. I made ashley a turkey out of a chocolate wrapper, but then the wind grabbed it and someone stepped on it, so my work of art turned into garbage and she rejected it. next thing I know, we are headed to the bus station to catch our 9oclock bus, and we got there at.... 9:01. Of course the one time that a bus actually leaves on time just happens to be the same instance that our sense of time is slightly blurred. So, our new couch surfing friends took us back to this beautiful farm hosue, where we proceeded to have a nice evening chat with his mother, where I discovered that I apparently have incredibly cute ears, which I always thought were a bit elvin. We slept on the floor once again, and then next morning woke up bright and early to go visit a far off waterfall. After a long drive through rolling countryside hills and cows that can walk on vertical land, we reached our destination. La Santa Leopoldina, it is a park dedicated to an Austrian Princess. Anyways, apparently there is an onca (like a small leopard) that lives there, but we didnt see it. We walked up the wataerfalls and where we heard a million bugs screaming at us in weird tones, so we are pretty sure they were trying to warn us of the incoing giant feline. We saw a cave and some morcegos (bats). We both fell asleep on the way back, as the music was rolling with the hills, and the sun was bright and hot.

We visited a music school for kids, where our new friend Joaquim volunteers his time to teach children to play the piano, and the kids spoke perfect english, how refreshing. We met up with Alyson, our other new friend and at some point ate some more pizza. Now let me tell you about our new friend Alyson. He is the funnniest cutest gay Brasilan man I have ever met. Let's just say it is times like this that I wish I were a gay man. Unfortunately, he too is unlucky in love, so we decided that if we are both still alone in 5 years, we will then tie the knot in order to facilitate the exchange of green cards. Haven't you ever heard of a sham wedding? Anywho, we caught our bus that night, in fact we got there like an hour early and it got there an hour late (go figure), so we did not miss it!!

We slept most of the night and awoke in Porto Seguro. Due to the fact that neither of us speak portuguese and we didnt have a map, we spent quite some time deliberating which bus to take to our next couchsurfer. We were hungry and thirsty and i was and trying to figure out where the hell we were, when a kindly man hands ashley a giant poky fruit that is slimy and weighs about 78 pounds. So, we decided to get on the bus going to the beach because we know our friend lives on it. With broken portuguese and the kindness of strangers and a giant magical fruit that may or may not have really been a dragon egg, we made our way to the correct stop. this is where things got tricky. we didnt exactly have the best of directions, so we wandered aimlessly through neighborhoods in 150 degree weather with 100 percent humidity and backpacks that weigh at least 800 lbs each. And a giant poky fruit. That is when we met some more kind strangers, who helped us figure out where we were going and also informed us that the giant fruit was not ripe and could not be eaten, so having carried it for 6 kilometers was a complete waste of energy.....

We got to Gustavos house (what is with all the Gustavo signs? first, the movie, now this couchman... Gustavos come in 3s you know, the next one will bring a prophecy..) So, we get to this really nice house, and he is not home. So, the neighbor calls him for us, and he rushes home to let us in. Unfortunately, we are not very good communicators since we have no cell phone and the phone card wont work, so they didnt think we were going to show. They had plans to go to the beach, so they gave us a key and were on their way. We were happy to have a place to rest to ourselves, but then this giant puppy pooped on the floor, peed over everything, and then tried to bite us and rub his smell all over us, as if we needed to smell any worse. So, we got refreshed, ashley poured a drink out of my water bottle (which apparently she had filled with vokda, thank god I didnt take a swig of that), and we go on our merry way.

We figured out how to get to Arraial D'Ajuda, which is this little town across the water from Porto (which is also the first spot that the Portuguese landed way back when), and we walked about 3 miles to the beach. We kept thinking it was right around the corner.... We got to this little fishing beach, and took in the speedoes, the kite surfers, and the caiparihnas that were about 99% cachaca. I had to accompany it with an agua com gas. That is when we noticed that everyone was staring at something behind us. So, obviously we turned around to see what was going on, and what did we see?? 6 military police armed with automatic weapons of all kinds, out and ready to open fire. Seriously, they were wielding machine guns. They walked over to 3 kids that were sleeping behind a boat, and kicked them to get up. The 3 kids jumped to their feet and put their hands behind their heads. Due to the unfortunate fact that we suck at eavesdropping in Portuguese, we have no idea what happened. My guess is that these children were the head of a large drug cartel, but I suppose we will never know. Think City of God. And side note- this experience really brought me back to my Peruvian CIA agent days. Latinos in a uniform.

Anyways, after all of this excitement, we took a stroll up the hill to the little historical town that overlooks the ocean/jungle. We saw a very old, beautiful little church, and then mosied our way to the rich-hippy section of town. A hotel manager that speaks perfect english due to his time in Miami invited us into his restaurant to taste a home brewed beer and so how could we refuse? We didn't. We got a really nice outdoor table and listened to the Brasilian bands as they play in the streets. We had some delicious food, and Mucha (the bar manager) called up his American friend, Rick. Ashley proceeded to call him Carl for the next 4 hours. Rick is awesome, and speaks english, so that was a plus for us. We could finally have a conversation with another person. haha..

So, we decided to switch couches and just stay at Ricks, which just soo happens to be a cliffside mansion, overlooking the ocean with the jungle in the foreground with bright yelow birds dancing to and froe and palm trees every which way, and let us not forget to mention the horizon-pool or whatever those things are called. Paradise. Paraiso. Paradisio if you well. I am not kidding, I dont know how we get ourselves into these situations, but hey, we are not complaining.

We woke up yesterday on a memory foam mattress, two feather pillows, and 10000 thread count egyptian cotton sheets. we also woke up to a pool party, lil wayne was blaring from the speakers, the palm trees were blowing in the breeze, and the ocean was bright and teal behind the green jungle. we heard monkeys and birds over the lil wayne and there were a million gorgeous brasilian girls dancing in the pool. where are we?? they were all so nice, so we proceeded to drink grape-koolaid and vodka for breakfasts, and learn how to dance the samba. I am not kidding-where are we?? Coolest place on earth. That is where. This is when we learned that the reason that brasilian girls have such nice posteriors is that they are always walking on cobblestone streets with 6 inch heels on. First of all, no one told me to bring my red high heels, and second of all, I can barely walk on cobblestones without tripping while wearing tennis shoes, so although the mystery was solved, the mission will not be accomplished. We have also noticed that the women only wear thongs and the men only wear speedos. People think we are conservative, and they tend to ask if we are traveling nuns. That is, until they take a sip of our kool-aid.

So after the pool party, we headed down to the beach on some moto-taxis. Mom- close your eyes for the next sentence. We hopped on the back of these crazy little motorcycles and flew through the town with the wind in our hair and the bugs in our mouths. Ok Mom, I know you read that anyways, so I will now inform you that I yes I did wear a helmet, so dont worry. we went down to a beautiful beach and people watched, quite a fun thing to do in brasil. we did not this time, however, witness any children being held at automatic gunpoiont. After the beach, we headed up to Portinos, a restaurant where you pile up food like a buffet, and then you pay by the kilo. odd, yet it works. so I ate a bunch of good brasilian food, and we then realized that we had to find a way to get our stuff back from Gustavos. luckily Rick has a friend named David that has a car (a little bug from the 70s), and we convinced him to drive us to the old couch in order to pick up our stuff so that we didnt have to take 2 busses and a ferry to get there.

We headed over there, and met up with our old pal Gustavo. We felt bad having not spent much time with him, but when we saw more poop on the floor, our decison was sealed- cliffside mansion it was. the decisions was sealed even further when ashley grabbed her pack and 7 million ants poured out of it. I thought she was going to cry. seriously. they were the tiny ones, the ones that taste like coconuts. so, we went on our way and stopped in the downtown for a little capeta. it is like a pina colada only with extra brasilian zing. we made it to the ferry just as it was leaving, and then somehow ashley talked the captain into letting her drive it. so far, she has driven 3 brasilian cars and s ship. I dont particularly enjoy driving, but she appaertnly is the new vin diesel. does that make me paul walker? I have no idea. We came back to our mansion and made some caipavodshkas, listened to some music, and enjoyed the view. We decided then and there that if someone is wearing a cape, you should listen to them.

We woke up this morning once agaiin to a pool party in our paradise. ricks opening a bar here, so the entire staff came over to test out menu items. we have been sitting here sampling delicious food for the past few hours. seriously. life is good. almost too good. it is scaring me. knock on wood. someone just passed us a fruit salad and the odds of us not running outside and hiding behind a bush to eat the rest of it are pretty much slim to none. no problem.

First we get our ducks in a row, then we get our drinks in a row.

I have decided to try to make Ashley a Thanksgiving turkey out of cheese balls. That would be one delicious substitute.

Ashley chopped off her toe with a machete and she also thinks Dennis Rodman is hot.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon "chillaxin" (seriously..) out on the veranda of our penthouse suite enjoying the view. I could seriously live here forever, and if we don't buy our bus tickets today, the chances of me doing so are very high. So, we enjoyed the calm, breezy peace of being 11 stories up in a Vitorian heaven until Ashley somehow managed to chop her toe off with a machete. Seriously. It bled everywhere and I almost passed out. Oh I feel queasy just thinking about it. We were going to visit the picturesque cathedral on the hill, but we got there 15 minutes after it closed, so we took a drive around the city and soaked up the sites. The favelas (slums) are so extremely colorful here, and it is strange because they are right next to the ritzy parts of town, which is apparently why the drug wars are getting so much press. Don't worry, there is no drug war currently going on in this town, but I hear that is the place to go if you want acquire vast quantities of dynamite. (Which, I have decided might come in handy if I have to bust Ashley out of the Alcatraz-style prison located just off shore.... I'm just saying....) Anyways, after our drive, we went back to Aline's and took a stroll down to the spit that we can see from our balcony. People were fishing off of the steps and there is a goddess of the sea protecting them. It was beautiful. We ordered up some Brahma at the nearby pizzeria and chowed down on some pretty darn good pie. This morning we woke up, and went back to the cathedral (this time making sure to get there earlier....) The hike up to the top was quite a workout as we have spent the last few days drinking Brahma and talking about llamas, so exercise hasn't really been a party of our daily routine. We trekked up the mountain and saw lizards of all shapes and sizes (in fact, I am pretty sure one of them was Longtail's great Uncle, he had that same blue stripe), and when we got to the top, the view was incredibly amazing. Just breathtaking. We had a 360 view of Vitoria (which is actually an island), Vila Velha, and the Atlantic ocean. So beautiful. So, we took a million pictures and made our way back down the lizard trail. On the way back home, we went to the chocolate factory. What more could you possibly ask for in life than just simply being in a chocolate factory? Now we are back home once again and Ashley is sleeping like a puppy all wrapped up in Batman bandaids. I mean she is wrapped up in Batman bandaids and is sleeping like a puppy, she doesn't look like a puppy wearing bandaids, that would be weird. We were going to travel further up the coast tonight, but we once again delayed our departure due to a party that will take place tomorrow at noon..... the dance party will be on top of this luxury building, with panoramic views of the city/beach, it will have an open bar, and there will be cheese balls. Damn, those are good. I must say, it didn't take that much convincing because we are currently living the life of Brasilian queens. I am now going to go out on the veranda and yell that I see a llama because that is the one sure way to wake Ashley up.

Oh hot llama.

There was a Peruvian llama,

She really enjoyed drinking Brahma,

So she went to Brasil,

And there got her fill,

And then sent some home to her mama.

Ashley is going to get us macheted....

and so we meet again dear blog..... currently sitting on the veranda having a spot of cafe with my llama-loving friend listening to some glorious latin tunes and enjoying the view of this Brasilian beach. Aline picked us up yesterday around 5:30 from Flavs house. we came back to her penthouse with a gorgeous view of the beach. nuf said. ashley and I decided to go for a stroll, and made it about one block before we saw a big yellow sign calling to us- yes it did say Brahma. so, we parked ourselves down and started to draw our top 5 favorite animals on the tablecloth. I am thinking of adding the Bornean Bearcat as # 6, but that is a big decision as I haven't added one since the Javalina made it back in 2004. still debating. anyways, not long after we settled down into those comfy plastic chairs, we hear, "Yall speak english?" It was Johnny, our new amiguinha from Mississippi, who just so happens to be a big oil tycoon. he didnt tell us this right off the bat, however, so when I was preaching about the importance of the amazon rainforest and how I am going to save it, I am really glad that I didnt throw in how evil the non-renewable energy is... that would have been awkward.... so our brief jaunt at the local brahma house turned into a 5 hour adventure in which many things happened.... first, we had some delicious fried bass. then, Aline, Flavias brother Gui, and his pal lucas showed up. (Gui thinks he is Mathew McCaunahey- he never wears a shirt, I am not sure he owns one.) which leads me to my next anecdote. due to the fact that he was only wearing a swimsuit, I have no idea where he put his wallet, but clearly it was somewhere bad because he got pick-pocketed by a little man that may or may not have time traveled here from 1985. That is how bright pink his shirt was. blinding. One moment we were all sitting there enjoying the brahma and lime flavored cachaça (much better than the blood sausage kind) and the next moment all his stuff is on the floor, and the little man takes off. ironic, seeing as how he lives here and we are the foreigners, but I do hold onto my satchel like a pulgita latches onto a baby pig. anywho, this is where things get interesting. ashley chases the guy and starts yelling obscenities in languages that I didnt even know existed. I tried to stop her, but she is such a fast little spitfire. Looking back, I shouldnt have given her such a hard time, because I suppose everyone needs a memory of chasing a thief through foreign allies, it happens to the best of us. (note- mexico 2005). Anywho, needless to say she didnt get Gui's stuff back, but it really put a spark into the night. then..... the bill came..... our dear friend Johnny the oil man had left right before the robbing incident, but before his departure, he put our ginormous brahma bill on Chevrons tab, so I guess I cant say the oil industry is good for nothing. anywho, after he left, we only had about 4 more brahma... not the 8 plus the cigs plus the food that they tried to charge us for. we were with 3 brasilians, and they couldnt talk the manager into any sense, so ashley McSpitfire stepped up the plate once again. she brought the tab up, ripped it in half, and said that is what we would pay for..... we then got kicked out, but hey, we didnt spend a dime. note to self- do not walk to the left when leaving the penthouse suite, as I am pretty sure someone is hiding in the bushes with a machete waiting for revenge on the pinche americans..... blast. So, we made our way to the beach for some southern cross viewing. ashley jumped in the ocean because she is insane (she thinks it is warm because it doesnt have icebergs floating in it...) and we had a great time chasing crabs and listening to cyndi lauper. dont ask. Then, back to Alines and I slept on a bed!!!! whoa! now we are going to head to the Convento in a bit to get some good pics of old architecture and mind blowing views. The maid is washing our clothes right now, which I feel weird about, but I tried to help her and she wasnt having it. Ashley is yelling at me right now to look at the llama pulling a cart. It is a horse.

MUVUCA!!!!!

Cachça, cachaça, cachaça....

So let's seee...... I last left off right before we headed to Vila Velha- the next town over, that you have to cross an extremely cool bridge to get to... we packed up 6 people in a rather small car and made our way to meet about 10 of the old men relatives that apparently had been drinking for hours without our knowledge.... so we quickly caught up with the help of some Brahma and cachaça and some good old fashioned Brasilian drinking songs. There was one huge old fat man that didn't belong to us, but due to the fact that he was wearing a tiny speedo and had a t-shirt wrapped around his head like a Sultan and was also sporting some David Hasselhoff-cool Baywatch shades, we made him come hang with our group in order to make an awesome music video. They tried to make us eat yucky-looking sausage stuff, as they said it would calm the taste of the cachaça. Whatever happened to a lime? A big hunk of blood sausage just isn't quite the same as a lime.... So, then Ashley and I walked across the alley to the praiha (beach) and walked around these cute little booths, looking at neat stuff. Many earrings made of nuts and feathers, but a bit pricey. The beach is soooooo pretty. In all aspects. When we headed back to the group, it was time to go home to get ready for the party. This time, we rode with a different bunch- one of them being a little old man with the biggest smile you have ever seen in your life. We sang "Twist and Shout" the entire way home, as he had a Beatles cd, and right when we were almost home, we passed all the old female relatives, who looked over and almost had a million simultaneous heart attacks. The little old man was hanging out the window, screaming a Beatles song at the top of his lungs and so they made him get out and walk with them..... hahahahahahaha we could not stop laughing.... that was hilarious!! So, not long after his departure, Ashley and I hopped out and went to the Saturday night open air market on the beach that is relatively close to Flav's house. This one guy gave us some free deep-fried coconut chunks, which were really, really, really good!! There was lots of cool stuff there, but pretty expensive again, so we made our way back home. When we got home, Celline was already there, so the three of us started to get ready for the party. We all put on our best dresses and did our hair and then Elline (Flav's friend) picked us up and we headed over to one of their friend's house for some pregaming action. We got to the party around 11:30 (yes it started at 11) and whoa. I have never in my life been to such a huge, crazy, fancy party!!!! I don't even know if I can describe it, but one of our goals is to start using more adjectives and better nouns, so I will try. There were 27 graduates. Every single one of them brought their entire extended families and all of their friends. Hundreds upon hundreds of people. They were all dressed like they were going to prom or getting married. There was an open bar. Yes, an open bar for that many people. You could order whatever you liked, and they would make you fancy drinks with fresh fruit- (the squished strawberries with vodka was to die for). There was a great live band, and different people dressed up for every song in crazy costumes. (For example, during a 70s song, they put on huge afros..) There was fancy sushi and every kind of food that you could possibly ask for. And waiters that were all dressed up and looked like they came straight out of GQ that kept bringing ashley and I flowers and cotton candy. It was CRAZY!!!!!!!! It also just so happened to be Flavia's brithday, so after we sang to her (the whole entire 100s of people) and took a million pictures (professional) and threw ballons and cake and whatnot, the dance party was ON. Of all the dance partys I have been to in my life, this is one was by far the most EXTREME. Brasilians know how to party, that is for SURE!! crazy lights, crazy neon headbands and glasses and sparkly things everyhwere. alcohol flowing, limbs flying, people screaming, shot glasses tilting, feet moving, dresses sacheting, high heels being ditched, hands clapping, things being spilled.... (ok, so I am not so good with the adjectives yet, but I am working on it.) Anyways, we danced the night away until 6am and were forced to leave. Then Celline, Ashley, 2 other girls, and I went to the beach to watch the sunrise. It was gorgeous. Epic if you will. Then, we got dropped off back at Flav's house....... and we didn't want to stop having fun. So, I performed the "Thriller" dance for Ashley while she apparently took a video of it on the balcony and then when I couldn't find my contact lens case, decided it was a good idea to just throw them off the balcony as a grand finale. Don't worry, I brought more, and it was time to replace those ones anyways. The next morning.................... lets just say I went back to sleep and woke up at about 3....... we pretty much just hung out at Flavs and said goodbye to all of the relatives for the rest of the day. All 2873492 of them left on buses and planes and trains, until we were the last ones standing. I willl miss the amiguinhas. Last night, her brother took us to the beach for some mohoaca, and we looked for the southern cross in the sky. A nice calm evening compared to the previous one. Then, we came back, got some delicoius food, and watched a movie about Gustave, the man-eating croc...... Now it is noon, I just finished updating this blog, and Ashley just woke up. (The noise that likes to wake us up in the morning can only be described as a giant cyclopse ogre smashing boulders next to our ears.) Oh, and Pinche. He is also that loud. The dog is the size of a rat and has the vocal chords of a banchee. And it's name is seriously Pinche, so enough said. We are going to make somewhat of a plan today so we know what we are doing for the next month. We might stay here a few more days with Flav's friend Elline, as she said she would show us around and whatnot. So, now we sit here with Pinche, now the only ones in the house (except for the housekeepers, who speak not one word of english, but are very nice) drinking our coffee that tastes as if an entire sugar cane were just thrown right into the pot. Saude. P.S. Thanksgiving may or may not be in 2 days and it is Ashley's favorite holiday, so I am going to have to make her a turkey out of stinky ham and cheese. I think it is maleable enough to mold into quite a good one.